Self-Driving Car Kills 1, Everyone Else Kills 100

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – A self-driving car from Zoombies, the Silicon Valley-based startup innovating in autonomous vehicles, hit and killed a pedestrian in San Francisco yesterday night. The company, which just received more than $20 million in series b funding, was quick to stop all testing in the Bay Area, and says that they are already working with the victim’s family. “Accidents happen” “This is … Continue reading Self-Driving Car Kills 1, Everyone Else Kills 100

Illuminati Expands to Lighting Business

INGOLSTADT, GERMANY—The Illuminati is a secret society founded in 1776 in Ingolstadt, Germany. Due to various difficult financial problems, the society has turned to the “emerging lighting economy” in search of financial stability. “The society’s goals were to oppose superstition, obscurantism, religious influence over public life, and abuses of state power,” reads a press release from the newly formed Illuminati Residential Lighting Company, “but we … Continue reading Illuminati Expands to Lighting Business

New Paint Colors Cause a Stir

If you have ever been to a paint store like Benjamin Moore, Kelly Moore, or Buy Moore, you know that there is always a section of the store for “new colors.” These feature the new colors that the company has created, but are just slightly different than the ones they released the previous week. This week, Buy Moore introduced four new paint colors in their … Continue reading New Paint Colors Cause a Stir

Walmart Mexico Launches “ChristMÁS” Campaign to Boost Holiday Sales

This year, Walmart’s Mexico Division launched a massive advertising campaign to help boost sales during the holiday season. Walmart’s sales during the Christmas season are dropping due to a lack of interest in purchasing presents from Walmart. “In Mexico,” says Walmart spokesman Marco Riley, “Everyone thinks that the true meaning of Christmas is religion and family. They’re wrong. It’s really about buying stuff from Walmart.” … Continue reading Walmart Mexico Launches “ChristMÁS” Campaign to Boost Holiday Sales

Donald Trump’s Leaked Amazon Purchases

This morning, almost 100 of President Donald Trump’s recent Amazon purchases were leaked to the public by WikiLeaks. Many were unimportant, such as an order of 500 “Make America Great Again” hats, a bottle of spray-on tan, and a blond “Trump” toupee. However, there were a few purchases that are both entertaining and eye opening. Donald’s most recent purchase is a pricy leather IVANKA handbag, … Continue reading Donald Trump’s Leaked Amazon Purchases

It’s 7:00 and Daddy Isn’t Home Yet

Benjamin Roberts usually arrives home from his San Francisco job at 5:30 PM. Then the Roberts family eats dinner at 6:00. “His food is waiting,” says his wife, May Roberts, “The kids and I have eaten, but his food is getting cold. Oh look,” she adds, “the dog got it.” As of 7:15, there is still no sign of Benjamin. May plans to try calling … Continue reading It’s 7:00 and Daddy Isn’t Home Yet

Forbes Finds More Than 5,000 Businesses Are Like Show Business

Photo: 16 of the 5,000 businesses like show business NEW YORK CITY, NY- On September 15, the Ethel Merman Institute (TEMI) issued a press release responding to the recent article by Forbes writer Jonah Vinson. “The Ethel Merman Institute sincerely regrets the confusion that our namesake may have caused in the Broadway hit ‘Annie Get Your Gun.’ We agree fully with the article published by Forbes Magazine. The line … Continue reading Forbes Finds More Than 5,000 Businesses Are Like Show Business

French Chateau Sits Down After Standing for More Than 500 Years

Photo: The former location of the Chateau What makes a French town a French town is its chateau. The chateau would be built, the town would grow up around it, and the town would be given a place on the map, under the name of the chateau, of course. The small town of Constitué in the South of France is home to its own chateau—le … Continue reading French Chateau Sits Down After Standing for More Than 500 Years

Amazon Offers Special Teen Shipping

Amazon is one of the most successful companies in the world. They are famous for Amazon Prime, the service that offers free next day shipping, as well as streaming video. Last Monday, the commerce giant introduced a new membership for teens and their families. The plan is the cheapest membership that Amazon offers, at only $39 a year (Amazon Prime comes in at $99 a … Continue reading Amazon Offers Special Teen Shipping