Idiotic Phobia Victims Endanger Us All

Irrational phobias seem to plague the people of America, and whether it be a deathly outlook on darkness, or a rude opinion of our eight legged friends, the majority of the sane population looks down upon those stricken with crippling yet, stupid, (“I know.  I dropped the S bomb.  What’cha gonna do about it huh!”), fears with a grain of disgust.

However, while the ridicule of those with ludicrous fears seems to most as a simple fact of life, one organization is trying to change that.

Yesterday in New York City, the Primal Hominids Of America, or PHOA, met to discuss issues pertaining to the wrongful ridicule of Americans with seemingly unnecessary fears.

When questioned about the conclusion of the meeting, founder of PHOA, Benjamin Burke, told us, “Holy sh*t!  Ahhhhhh!  There’s a spider in the corner!  Um, well, you see, the meeting went as planned.  I believe… Ahhhh, jeez, it’s moving now!”

After we got Burke to calm down he was able to explain to us that the meeting went very well, and that all that attended came to the conclusion that those who struggle with strong and irrational fears, should not be treated poorly, but in fact respected, for they possess greater primal instinct and therefore, Burke concluded with a slight crazed tinge to his eyes, accompanied by a disturbing blood lust tone, are “better humans.”

Burke then abruptly ended the interview, giving us a link to an essay that he claimed would verify the organization’s opinion on the value of unnecessary phobias.

Now, we did look into the tip, and indeed the essay did shed some much needed light on the topic.

What we learned is that many phobias, especially ones that seem petty, stem from deep rooted primal instincts.  For example, many suffer from arachnophobia.  In a more primitive, prehistoric time, something that moves at an alarmingly quick rate, like a spider’s little legs, could be very dangerous.  Another great example of a deep rooted petty phobia, is the fear of the dark.  Again, in the context of a prehistoric era, not knowing what is around you means not being safe.  Because a drive to survive is hardwired into us animals, these fears stay with us, and often come into play despite the modern era we live in.

However while this article illuminated the world of phobias for us at the Faux office, a leaked news letter for PHOA sparked alarm within our very souls, as it did with most of the internet.

An excerpt from the newsletter, which was soon taken off of social media platforms, due to closeted  government investigation intentions read as such:

“We, in this strong union of poorly treated victims, will take no more.  While some see us as meek, and unintelligent, we know the truth.  We are all the nations future!  We are better, stronger, because our phobias are not weaknesses!  They are undeniable, unconquerable strengths.  We have the survival instincts of a raging beast, with the quality of immortality!  Come one come all, for we are the true warriors.  If you have an irrational phobia, rise!  Rise, I say, rise!  We will pick all the others off like the bugs we all shriek at!  We will banish the others to utter darkness, which we will never have to fear again!  We will unleash the un-dead in great swelling armies so that those with rational fears will understand the perils of being afraid of that which does not exist!  WE!  We are the best!  The kings!  The RULERS!  Now go!  Go my minions!  Kill them all!”

God Help Us

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