Government Proposes New Earthquake Schedule

In California, the home of The Faux Report’s main office, the locals are always prepared for an earthquake, and likewise never phased when one occurs.  This immunity to the natural disaster Californians have developed is a bi-product of the constant earthquakes scheduled by the Government to take place in the Golden State.

However, many Californians, and others interested in visiting the warm, beach-speckled state, have expressed concerns pertaining to the acute frequency of government administered tectonic troubles.  In fact, according to state representative Kevin McCarthy, citizen protest against the constant quakes is at an all time high.

“It is this turmoil,”  McCarthy said to us while lounging in his L.A. swimming pool, “that has caused the geology branch to adapt the earthquake schedule to more adequately suit the public’s needs.”

As you know, scheduling earthquake occurrences so regularly in one small section of America, was originally thought to be a strategic plan.  The idea being that those from the repeatedly stricken land would be able to form a primal tribe in the dawn of disaster, equipped with raw tenacity and knowledge of natural disaster survival tactics, and in effect, save America, and/or the universe from a sad dystopian future of death, dictatorships, limited mating options, and meals in freeze dried pellet form.

Despite the good intentions behind the movement, launched in the 1960s, the idea inevitably fell dismally flat, due to aggressively enthused locals, and the sheer stupidity of the plan.

However, a mass fortune had been spent on engineering earthquakes, and as a result the project was not halted.

So, today we in the U.S. are held to this blip in government judgement, with California taking on the brunt of the PR disaster.

“This is why,” McCarthy tells us, “we have been working on a new layout.  It is not perfected yet, and certainly not fully approved, but let’s just say, we’re gonna have a lot less shaking, and a lot more baking of zucchini bread…cause that stuff, it really hits the spot.”